Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I need a tool store for this...

I'm trying to figure out what it is I'm thinking. My dear mother passed away just over 2 weeks ago. What's more; she is gone because she chose to go. So, now we're left to deal with that. It has been anything but easy. I consider myself to be emotionally strong; able to handle all kinds of difficult situations. However, I'm coming to grips with the fact that I just don't have the tools to deal with this one. I guess I need to find a good tool store.

Today was an OK day, meaning, I didn't cry. I'm not very happy, but I managed one or two half-smiles, I think. And I worked a full day, though I doubt it was as productive as it could have been. Yesterday, however, was one of my worst days yet, following the my mother's passing. How does it feel? It seems impossible to describe; I've not before gone through some of the emotions I'm now experiencing. I feel completely lost. I'm feeling things, but I don't know what to do with those feelings, which also makes me just numb. I'm in a fog, knowing not which way is up, or which way is down. There is a constant sadness that my mom is dead. (And can I just say I HATE hearing myself say the words "my mom is dead?") I definitely feel that a big piece of me is totally gone. There is now an emptiness in my heart. Not empty, entirely; I still have many things I love, thank God. But the emptiness or hollowness is palpable, most of the time.

...Days later...

Well, I'm just sort of going through the motions, still. I definitely need help getting through this; not so much for the immediate present, but for the hard times that will inevitably come in the future. I went up to my school on Friday, to see about getting some grief counseling. (Or any counseling; whatever they recommend for a son who lost their mother to suicide.) They had to schedule my first appointment for a week later so, I'll see the therapist this coming Thursday. I'm looking forward to it; I just feel like I need some direction in dealing with this and I am incapable of figuring it out myself.
You know, I had become accustomed to being at my parents' home, but not actually seeing or visiting with my mother. Often, in the past few years, she'd stay in her room, lying in bed, or being fast asleep during the middle of the day. This is causing me, what I view is more trouble now. I don't think I'm dealing with what is reality. I mean, I saw my mom's body that day. I saw the medical examiner take her away. I saw her lying in a casket, in which she was to be buried. I spoke at her funeral and I carried her casket to her final resting place. Yet, I haven't accepted that she's actually dead. The fact that she isn't just lying in her room, asleep, has not yet become my reality. To me, when I'm out visiting with Dad, or just driving by, Mom is probably just in her room, having a bad day, or a sick day, or just tired and asleep. But that's not the case, is it? Oh, I cried some good tears on that day, and the following days. My emotions were raw, as they should be. But now, that it actually counts, and now that it's really real, it's not real at all. And if that is how I feel, how can I ever really mourn the loss of my mom? How can I heal my broken heart? How can I deal with the fact that she left us because she wanted to leave this cruel world, which included me? This is definitely going to require the help of a/some professional(s).

I worry about the rest of the family, that they may not get the help they need for this traumatic experience and loss. I worry about my dad, who found Mom that day. He's on the road plenty with work. In a way, keeping busy is helpful. On the other hand, the more he has his mind preoccupied, the more he may begin to think, "Ah, I've got this; I don't need any help; I'll be OK." I am very much pro-therapy. I really tried to stress to my dad and siblings NOT to play tough guy with this; this will not simply disappear. It needs to be dealt with in a healthy way, and with help from the experts.

Oh, what a long road lies ahead.


Not a horrible day. One thing which keeps become more and more clear; If you think you know who your friends are, and that you know who cares about you, wait until something tragic happens when you need them; you'll definitely realize who your friends are, and who your friends aren't, and never were. OK, maybe that's the last time I'll mention this. Maybe.

Today, we hung out at my dad's house, while he visited with a woman who is hooking him up with a grave marker. My little sister and brother were there, too. I definitely like hanging out with them. It's comforting to have us all there, together. My dad and sister had placed a solar powered, lighted flower at Mom's grave earlier. Tonight, Jericho and I stopped down there to see it. I struggle to get in touch with my true feelings. I keep feeling like I need to talk to my mom, but can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll say; maybe I'm afraid to feel her presence; that it won't be her, physically. That will make it all pretty real, won't it? I probably wouldn't have stopped if Jericho hadn't been with me. It's comforting to have him there with me. Instead of trying to talk with Mom, or to feel her presence, I avoided it altogether by talking with Jericho and telling him how that flower is Grandma; that this is one of her houses now; that she lives with Jesus.

I miss my mom. I'm in pain about it tonight. I guess that's a good thing.

I belong to a club that no one should ever try to belong to. I guess though, it's a positive thing to know I'm not alone; other people have survived this so I should be able to as well.


Allison said...

This is part of healing. You are a great writer. You will totally be able to heal. You are a strong, man who will do whatever it takes to heal so you can continue to be the great husband and father you are. It's all done in baby steps.

{marie} said...

Tragic life events have taught me...There are no answers mostly just questions. There is peace in nature, go to the canyons, the mountains and just sit. There are things in life that scar you forever, they don't ever really "heal"... these things often break you down...make you weaker, more humble,..bring you to your knees. This is the time to "wallow in the grief", let it overpower you, be sad,... breakdown. This is the time to learn more about your life, your reason for being here...
I don't believe time heals, I believe time erases..And slowly time will erase the sadness, pain, confusion...And leave in it's place all the good memories you've shared with your Mom... Keep writing your thoughts, your post was beautiful..and again, I am truly, truly sorry for your loss...

Johnsons said...

Oh Wade, I am so so sorry about what you are going through.
I truely believe that it would break your moms heart to know the pain that this has caused you. Depression is such a sad and real thing. I think that people get to a place where they are so miserable and unhappy with themselves, that they feel they are bringing their loved ones down and doing more harm than good to them. Their thoughts take over any logic about the situation.
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, and I am proud of you for getting the help you need to deal with it.
I have known you for a long long time, and I know you have the strength to get through this! I am glad that you have your sweet wife and Jericho to help bring some happiness when it doesn't seem possible to have any.
Hang in there my friend, your family continues to be in my prayers.

Kari said...

Wade, I'm glad you published this. And I hope you keep writing about it, whether it be something you share or just keep for yourself. Personally I have found that just writing down my thoughts, just giving them that validation can do a lot to help process them.

The only suggestion I can give is to deal with each emotion as it comes. If your mad, let yourself be mad. And when your sad, let yourself be sad. I'm very glad to hear that you are seeking out help. It takes a lot to admit that you need that help and to open yourself up to the help.

You have such a strong spirit Wade that I know someday you will feel light again. Even if it's not right now. You have a lot of people that do care and feel for you and your family. I hope in those times when you're really struggling that you can feel a little bit of that. Hang in there.

Alicia said...

Kari is right.
Let yourself feel whatever you feel, even if it´s weird.

There´s no right emotional response and all the feelings get mixed and you feel you should be sadder than you are, but you couldn´t possibly be more sad and one second you´ll be ok and the next you´ll come undone.

Therapy is a GREAT idea.
Go find them tools.

Sarah H. said...

Wade, I am really sorry to hear about your mom. We will keep you and your family in our prayers.

Shawna said...

Im so glad you "pushed" the button. Im glad you are sharing your feelings and saying them out loud, its healing in a way. Im thankful your muscular build is only an outside apperance but that the inside is fragil and ok with feeling weak and seeking help. I hope that you are able to really start your healing process with your therapy. I know its not going to be easy but I know it will be worth it. You are such a wonderful person and friend and I hope that you will soon get a break from the pain that is upon you. I love you my friend.

Heather said...

Wade, I am so sorry to hear about what happened with your mom and all of the emotions you are experiencing.
Glad you feel comfortable enough to write everything down. That is definitely part of the healing process.
Hang in there friend.

Wade The Rascal said...

Thank you, All. Your words are so kind and so encouraging. I need all of the confidence I can get to feel my way through this mud hole I seem to be in.

I have my first counseling session tomorrow (later today I guess), and I'm looking forward to it, if only to feel that I'm being proactive about dealing with this struggle.

I am so blessed to have so many friends; I feel like any one of you would have my back, or would be my shoulder to cry on if I ever needed it. Know that I would do anything for any of you as well.

Just wanted to say thank you. I'm overwhelmed by your kindness and by your generous hearts. I love each of you.