It's been 13 months since my mom took her life. And while I wish her a world of happiness and love, I have seen my own life start to slip. As much as I haven't wanted to admit it, or face it, this past year has taken its toll. I've been able to play the strong, can-do-anything type. At times, I even convince myself. But there are sooooo many mornings, afternoons, and evenings, when I look at myself in the mirror, and feel like I am weak and that I'm failing.
I used to be a gym rat. And not in a bad way. I loved the gym. I loved a good workout, and I knew how to be a gym rat, without it affecting the overall balance of my life. I used to really care about my health; I wanted to look good and, more important, I wanted to feel like I could conquer the world if I had to. This has definitely changed. I lack the drive, until I start feeling too fat. Even then, it's been tough for me to workout consistently. And I make all kinds of excuses: I'm too busy with school; I'm too busy watching Jericho; I don't feel good; I need to get into better shape so I can workout. (SO LAME!!!) I did well last week; 3 good workouts. This week? Zero times in the gym. I guess I can count a mountain bike ride this morning and 2 loads of hay hauled with my dad. But that's more out of necessity; any physical benefit was purely incidental.
I used to keep myself spiritually fit and tuned. I never used to let a Sunday morning go by without getting up early and getting out into nature to see God's creations through my camera's lens. And while I drove around, I'd be so spiritually filled while listening to my favorite Sunday morning music program: Living the Circle of Life. I haven't been out on a legitimate Nature Sunday Morning (the title I gave it) in 2 months. I used to be active in my church. Now, while that has changed for more philosophical reasons, I could always find some positives about being active in a church. Now, I'm pretty conflicted about it; having a hard time seeing past the bad and to the good. And I can feel my spiritual side fading and withering. This is actually more scary to me than not going to the gym regularly. I mean, this is my spirit; this is ME I'm talking about losing. And yet, this blog post might be the first sign of any want of change.
I took the 2nd Summer block away from school because I felt like I would have a nervous breakdown if I didn't. And I don't regret that decision. I believe I most certainly would have cracked otherwise. But now, Fall Semester is looming and I've not applied for my financial aid and I've not registered for classes, and I've not bought any books. (I always have my fallback plan, which is just show up to the classes I want and I'll probably get in via an add card.) Now, while this works, it's ALWAYS a huge pain in the ass. And yet, I do this same routine nearly every semester. Do any of you have some 'gung ho' you'd like to sell me?
Having decided to dump all of this, finally, in the open, I wonder if I'm actually cut out for some of my supposed ambitions. Mainly, I wonder if I'm actually fit to be the director of the support group I started this past January. I mean, these poor, broken-hearted individuals count on me to be the strong one; to lead us all through our grieving processes. And I want to; I do. I want to be the guy who can get that done and who can keep it up, more importantly. This past month, I've gotten so many emails from new people who want to attend support group because they've recently lost someone. My heart aches for them and, just as much, my heart longs to find a solution to stopping suicides from happening. One thing at a time, Wade. One thing at a time. I love the group I run and the other group I sometimes attend. They're extremely helpful, to say the least. But, reality is still reality, and sometimes my reality seems like too much. I was just thinking today about all of the death I've been around this past year and it's super depressing. A month ago, a friend of mine was stabbed to death here in my town. Complete shocker. Yesterday, a former high school classmate was killed; hit by a train while trying to free his ATV from the train tracks. Another former classmate pass a year or so ago by accidental overdose. And another by heart attack. (At 35 years old, no less!!) While none of these deaths are significant in comparison to losing my sweet mom, this overwhelming number of deaths is wearing on me. It needs to stop!
I miss my mom so terribly sometimes. And that's good. It actually makes me feel good about myself that I can miss my mom. I love my mom and I know she loves me. It would be amazing if she could enter my dreams on a semi-regular basis. So far, just once. And that was a real gift. And I'm grateful.
There, have I depressed anyone else yet? Ha. Not trying to, but thanks for letting me dump my emotional crap over you all.
There certainly are positives in my life, and these are the things I fight on for. I'm getting closer to graduating with my BS degree in Biology and then on to P.A. school (I hope.) I do enjoy learning and I am excited to have a profession in healthcare; I'm passionate about medicine and more so about people. I have a beautiful wife who works so hard so that we can live and I can study full time. And we make a great team. We're not perfect, but we're perfectly committed to each other and that's what counts. We have a 3 year old son and he is truly my life. He is my motivation when all else fails. I want to give that kid everything in the world. I have my dad and he is so great. He really is an inspiration to me and I find him taking care of us, more than we probably deserve. I am surrounded by people who love me; the kind of people who I say are the best kind of people in the world. These are my friends and extended family. Even those with whom I'm not especially close. If you're a blogger friend or a facebook friend or a school friend or a work friend or whatever, I love you and am so grateful to have all of you in my life.
Anyway, I hope I didn't bore too many of you with this post, or send any of you into the same funk in which I often find myself. Thanks for reading. Life will go on and I will try my best to make it go on beautifully.
ABOUT THE PHOTO: Well I did get out and enjoy nature this past Monday. I had been driving home from a family reunion and started to get really drowsy, so I decided to pull off the road and take a short hike to wake back up. The short hike turned into a 3 hr hike, on which I found a great little bonus; a 6pt. elk antler. The hike was beautiful.
4 comments:
I think that everything you have said here is the reason why you ARE fit to be the director of a support group. People who are hurting want someone who knows how they feel to help them through tough times, not someone who has read about how they feel.
When I find myself in a funk it either gets so bad that I have to do something to force myself out of it or life teaches me a lesson about how whatever is bothering me really isn't that bad and then I get over it (usually I get handed those big "get over it" lessons at work...there's always someone out there who has it worse than me...I get it already!).
That being said, I'm not telling you to just get over it. Just keep moving forward, that's all any of us can do.
I hope writing helped a little, I miss your blog. I know that last week when I was really struggling emotionally, getting back to my blog helped. I agree with Martha's comment, who better to lead your group than someone who is going through the exact same thing. Just remember no one is going to expect perfection from you (except maybe yourself), everyone loves you for you.
I completely relate to what you said about not going out on your nature sunday drives. For me it's a vicious cycle. I feel down and don't feel the motivation to go on a hike (which is my soul revival) so I don't go, and I feel more down because I'm not getting that needed boost from being out there. One thing I did learn in my many therapy sessions was that sometimes I have to force myself to do those things even when I don't feel like doing them. But it's hard.
Wade I can't begin to understand the loss you have had, but I do understand feeling like there is too much loss around you and trying not to fall into that pit of despair. I don't really have any advice, just saying I feel ya. Hang in there. Our kids really are great motivation though aren't they. Focusing on Will helps me, and wanting to do things with him helps. But don't forget to take care of yourself. Force yourself to get out there and do something fun just for you. Because you're worth it and gosh darn it people like you.
Hey Wade,
This is Jessica (LeBaron) from the olden days. Every once in awhile I jump on the class of '94 blog and surf around. I have nothing profound to say but I just wanted to leave you a comment anyway. Your post was very brave and your thoughts were well written. As I was reading your post I felt so much for you. You've had a rough time and it would be presumptuous of me to think that I could offer you anything that would lend comfort. But if good thoughts and a virtual hug (I'll throw a few cuss words out into the universe for you too) can help... then you've got it buddy. I'll be thinking of you.
-Jessica
I appreciate all the kind words from each of you. I guess you're right; I needed to be reminded of my humanity and that I don't have to be all perfect and strong to lead my support group.
And Jessica, thank you for the kind words and the virtual hug. It's great to hear from you.
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