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Friday, December 28, 2012
Onaqui Herd IV
All images are available as prints, for sale per your request.
Onaqui Herd III
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Onaqui Herd II
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Onaqui Wild Horse Herd Utah
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Thursday, October 25, 2012
Just wanted to share this...
This is an article with Ari Picker, who has quickly become my current favorite artist. For those of you who know me well enough, and the story about my mom, maybe you can even appreciate this.
http://therumpus.net/2012/08/the-rumpus-interview-with-ari-picker-of-lost-in-the-trees/
http://therumpus.net/2012/08/the-rumpus-interview-with-ari-picker-of-lost-in-the-trees/
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
I can understand this...
"You lie in your wheat
You lie in your wheat
This dead bird is beautiful We found her at peace
She has my eyes She has my eyes
The golden glow that glowed all night
Don’t you say she was weak
Don’t you say she was weak
I’ll carry her Because she breathed I breath
I’ll carry her Because she breathed I breath"
This dead bird is beautiful We found her at peace
She has my eyes She has my eyes
The golden glow that glowed all night
Don’t you say she was weak
Don’t you say she was weak
I’ll carry her Because she breathed I breath
I’ll carry her Because she breathed I breath"
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Appear to be PERFECT...
OK...I've been thinking about something over the last couple of days. Well, I guess it's something I've often thought about, but especially over the last couple of days. I'm not sure right now what I'm going to say; I hope whatever this post says when I hit the "publish" button won't offend you.
So this Brian Williams guy (a famous NBC reporter) has a show called Rock Center, and the other day they aired an episode called "Mormon in America." Of course, this was probably of interest, due to the fact that Mitt Romney (a Mormon) is going to be the Republican nominee for President of the United States for 2012. Now, I'm not here to talk politics. (I know---surprise!!!) This post has nothing to do with politics, actually. The reason I'm talking about all this is because I've been watching the Facebook threads and reading the comments on Youtube, in response to the "Mormon in America" special. And the thought running through my mind is this: Why is it so difficult to be genuine?
Before you go off about how you're totally genuine and, who is Wade to talk about this anyway, let me qualify my thoughts. I am who I am, right? I mean, I can't really be what I'm not. Many of you who have met me might be able to say a few things about me. And I hope that you'd have nice things to say. But is that only because you are people to whom I haven't been completely forthcoming about the totality of myself? Am I completely honest with you about who I am? Do I give you the not-so-good about me, along with the good? Hmmm......really makes you think, eh?
My driver's license says several things about me. It says I am 5'9". But did you know that I'm actually only 5'8", and that's in certain pairs of shoes? Barefoot, I'm maybe 5'7 1/2". I've been 5'9" before, in a pair of well-heeled boots. And so I told the guy at the DMV that I'm 5'9" because, in boots it's true and, 5'9", to a short guy, is much better than 5'7 1/2". And if a stranger over the phone were to ask me what color my hair is, I'd tell them blonde. But what I'd likely withhold is the fact that I'm going bald, and have been since I was maybe 20 or 21. I can't even hide it any more; the male balding pattern is there. I often wear a hat, because I'd rather people just think I'm some dude in a cool hat, rather than a young guy with bad hair genes. I like a good pair of pants. Not just any fit either. I have my particulars, and a lot of the comes down to which pair of pants will most successfully hide my "chicken legs?" So most people who pass me in the hall at school, or in the grocery store, will walk right past my very average, even forgettable look, without thinking a thing. I'd much rather that than for them to see that I'm skinny-legged. (I am a little pleased to say I've sort of given up on trying to cover the chicken legs. It's just too damned hot for pants in the summer!!!) Now, these are the little lies and cover-ups I'm guilty of as it pertains to my outward, physical appearance. What about what's on the inside? That's "what counts" after all.
I do believe I'm a genuinely good person. I actually believe I have a pretty good heart and that I care about others. And for those of you who know me, whether superficially or more deeply, I'd imagine you'd at least rate me "a good guy." But do you know I've been guilty of lying, cheating on grade school homework, forging my parents' signatures to my 6th grade band practice sheets, bullying, homophobia, hypocrisy and even racial slurs? When I tell you that I'm happy and doing well, do you know that there have been times in my life when I've been about as low as I can imagine going? When I give you the impression that I'm a pretty good student over at UVU, are you aware that finishing school has been, and continues to be one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life? That simply registering for my classes sometimes seems like a mountain too high for me to climb? The truth is, while I do try to be a good person, and I have had moments of great strength in my life, I am also incredibly weak, and I struggle everyday, trying to find the strength to go about life as I perceive every "normal person" to do.
Cut to my original paragraph...the one about "Mormons in America." As I've read the comment threads, I wonder...Why do we have such a hard time just being genuine? People on those threads are offended at the TV episode because "Brian Williams interviewed the wrong people." Or because unfair assertions were made. Or because they showed the sacred Mormon underwear. Or because they didn't make a strong enough point about how today, Mormons don't practice polygamy. And how Mormons aren't racist. And why would they interview Abby Huntsman or any other "inactive" Mormon? And the solution I must have read 200 times over the past 2 days is just "....and if you have questions about the church, go to lds.org or talk to the missionaries. Now any member of the church, who has actually read and studied Mormon doctrine and history, could answer your questions. And they might give you the bad with the good. AND THERE IS BOTH. If you do as the people on the comment threads advise, you'll be able to get the very simple, water-down, sometimes sugar-coated answers. But we're afraid of that much honesty sometimes... And this all brings me back to my question: Why is it so difficult just to be genuine?
I'm a Mormon. An inactive, unorthodox Mormon. I was even "disfellowshipped" at one time. Does this disqualify ME from answering others' questions about Mormonism? No. It does not. I was raised Mormon, in a family of Mormons with a history of Mormonism. I have polygamous ancestry. I was baptized at age 8. I was ordained and given the Aaronic priesthood at age 12 and then ordained to all of the successive offices of the priesthood, on up to an Elder in the Melchizedek priesthood. I served a full-time, 2-year mission. I was married in the temple (to my ex-wife, whom I later divorced) and I've been a part of the different ceremonies in the temple. I've read the Book of Mormon a few times. I still read the talks from the prophets and apostles in the Mormon magazine "The Ensign." So...I feel plenty qualified to answer questions about Mormonism. I'm probably a lot like Abby Huntsman. I may see the world differently than some of you see it, or differently than some choose to see it. I'm very honest about what I know about Mormonism. And it's not all roses. There are some thorns. And those thorns are what I'm getting at, I guess. My perception of those who were so offended at the "Mormon in America" special is that they're afraid of the thorns. They only want the world to know about the good stuff. They'd like Mormonism to "appear to be perfect."
Many of you are really good friends and family of mine. You've known me for a long time. You know most everything about me. And you still love me. You still want to be my friends. You still want me in your lives. You've proven to be the type of friends who love me for my roses, as well as my thorns. And so, I owe it to each of you to try and be more genuine; to try and be exactly who I am; to stop hiding from under my hat and from inside my baggy pants, and from behind my driver's license which lies and says I'm taller than I am. Just as I don't think Mormons should be afraid of who they are and what Mormonism is and has been, I shouldn't be afraid of who I am.
None of us are perfect. We can't be. Does that make us un-loveable? Does being imperfect make us abnormal? Do our scars and our bruises and our emotional traumas take away from our pretty eyes and our good-to-the-core souls? Hell no. It's what makes us human. And there's nothing wrong with it. Humanity is beautiful.
So can we all take off our masks? Can we all begin to accept ourselves and to love every part of ourselves? If we keep on sugar-coating, we'll soon run out of sugar. And that's just going to make everyone mad!
So this Brian Williams guy (a famous NBC reporter) has a show called Rock Center, and the other day they aired an episode called "Mormon in America." Of course, this was probably of interest, due to the fact that Mitt Romney (a Mormon) is going to be the Republican nominee for President of the United States for 2012. Now, I'm not here to talk politics. (I know---surprise!!!) This post has nothing to do with politics, actually. The reason I'm talking about all this is because I've been watching the Facebook threads and reading the comments on Youtube, in response to the "Mormon in America" special. And the thought running through my mind is this: Why is it so difficult to be genuine?
Before you go off about how you're totally genuine and, who is Wade to talk about this anyway, let me qualify my thoughts. I am who I am, right? I mean, I can't really be what I'm not. Many of you who have met me might be able to say a few things about me. And I hope that you'd have nice things to say. But is that only because you are people to whom I haven't been completely forthcoming about the totality of myself? Am I completely honest with you about who I am? Do I give you the not-so-good about me, along with the good? Hmmm......really makes you think, eh?
My driver's license says several things about me. It says I am 5'9". But did you know that I'm actually only 5'8", and that's in certain pairs of shoes? Barefoot, I'm maybe 5'7 1/2". I've been 5'9" before, in a pair of well-heeled boots. And so I told the guy at the DMV that I'm 5'9" because, in boots it's true and, 5'9", to a short guy, is much better than 5'7 1/2". And if a stranger over the phone were to ask me what color my hair is, I'd tell them blonde. But what I'd likely withhold is the fact that I'm going bald, and have been since I was maybe 20 or 21. I can't even hide it any more; the male balding pattern is there. I often wear a hat, because I'd rather people just think I'm some dude in a cool hat, rather than a young guy with bad hair genes. I like a good pair of pants. Not just any fit either. I have my particulars, and a lot of the comes down to which pair of pants will most successfully hide my "chicken legs?" So most people who pass me in the hall at school, or in the grocery store, will walk right past my very average, even forgettable look, without thinking a thing. I'd much rather that than for them to see that I'm skinny-legged. (I am a little pleased to say I've sort of given up on trying to cover the chicken legs. It's just too damned hot for pants in the summer!!!) Now, these are the little lies and cover-ups I'm guilty of as it pertains to my outward, physical appearance. What about what's on the inside? That's "what counts" after all.
I do believe I'm a genuinely good person. I actually believe I have a pretty good heart and that I care about others. And for those of you who know me, whether superficially or more deeply, I'd imagine you'd at least rate me "a good guy." But do you know I've been guilty of lying, cheating on grade school homework, forging my parents' signatures to my 6th grade band practice sheets, bullying, homophobia, hypocrisy and even racial slurs? When I tell you that I'm happy and doing well, do you know that there have been times in my life when I've been about as low as I can imagine going? When I give you the impression that I'm a pretty good student over at UVU, are you aware that finishing school has been, and continues to be one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life? That simply registering for my classes sometimes seems like a mountain too high for me to climb? The truth is, while I do try to be a good person, and I have had moments of great strength in my life, I am also incredibly weak, and I struggle everyday, trying to find the strength to go about life as I perceive every "normal person" to do.
Cut to my original paragraph...the one about "Mormons in America." As I've read the comment threads, I wonder...Why do we have such a hard time just being genuine? People on those threads are offended at the TV episode because "Brian Williams interviewed the wrong people." Or because unfair assertions were made. Or because they showed the sacred Mormon underwear. Or because they didn't make a strong enough point about how today, Mormons don't practice polygamy. And how Mormons aren't racist. And why would they interview Abby Huntsman or any other "inactive" Mormon? And the solution I must have read 200 times over the past 2 days is just "....and if you have questions about the church, go to lds.org or talk to the missionaries. Now any member of the church, who has actually read and studied Mormon doctrine and history, could answer your questions. And they might give you the bad with the good. AND THERE IS BOTH. If you do as the people on the comment threads advise, you'll be able to get the very simple, water-down, sometimes sugar-coated answers. But we're afraid of that much honesty sometimes... And this all brings me back to my question: Why is it so difficult just to be genuine?
I'm a Mormon. An inactive, unorthodox Mormon. I was even "disfellowshipped" at one time. Does this disqualify ME from answering others' questions about Mormonism? No. It does not. I was raised Mormon, in a family of Mormons with a history of Mormonism. I have polygamous ancestry. I was baptized at age 8. I was ordained and given the Aaronic priesthood at age 12 and then ordained to all of the successive offices of the priesthood, on up to an Elder in the Melchizedek priesthood. I served a full-time, 2-year mission. I was married in the temple (to my ex-wife, whom I later divorced) and I've been a part of the different ceremonies in the temple. I've read the Book of Mormon a few times. I still read the talks from the prophets and apostles in the Mormon magazine "The Ensign." So...I feel plenty qualified to answer questions about Mormonism. I'm probably a lot like Abby Huntsman. I may see the world differently than some of you see it, or differently than some choose to see it. I'm very honest about what I know about Mormonism. And it's not all roses. There are some thorns. And those thorns are what I'm getting at, I guess. My perception of those who were so offended at the "Mormon in America" special is that they're afraid of the thorns. They only want the world to know about the good stuff. They'd like Mormonism to "appear to be perfect."
Many of you are really good friends and family of mine. You've known me for a long time. You know most everything about me. And you still love me. You still want to be my friends. You still want me in your lives. You've proven to be the type of friends who love me for my roses, as well as my thorns. And so, I owe it to each of you to try and be more genuine; to try and be exactly who I am; to stop hiding from under my hat and from inside my baggy pants, and from behind my driver's license which lies and says I'm taller than I am. Just as I don't think Mormons should be afraid of who they are and what Mormonism is and has been, I shouldn't be afraid of who I am.
None of us are perfect. We can't be. Does that make us un-loveable? Does being imperfect make us abnormal? Do our scars and our bruises and our emotional traumas take away from our pretty eyes and our good-to-the-core souls? Hell no. It's what makes us human. And there's nothing wrong with it. Humanity is beautiful.
So can we all take off our masks? Can we all begin to accept ourselves and to love every part of ourselves? If we keep on sugar-coating, we'll soon run out of sugar. And that's just going to make everyone mad!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Can't see the forest for these fekkin' thorny trees...
It's been 13 months since my mom took her life. And while I wish her a world of happiness and love, I have seen my own life start to slip. As much as I haven't wanted to admit it, or face it, this past year has taken its toll. I've been able to play the strong, can-do-anything type. At times, I even convince myself. But there are sooooo many mornings, afternoons, and evenings, when I look at myself in the mirror, and feel like I am weak and that I'm failing.
I used to be a gym rat. And not in a bad way. I loved the gym. I loved a good workout, and I knew how to be a gym rat, without it affecting the overall balance of my life. I used to really care about my health; I wanted to look good and, more important, I wanted to feel like I could conquer the world if I had to. This has definitely changed. I lack the drive, until I start feeling too fat. Even then, it's been tough for me to workout consistently. And I make all kinds of excuses: I'm too busy with school; I'm too busy watching Jericho; I don't feel good; I need to get into better shape so I can workout. (SO LAME!!!) I did well last week; 3 good workouts. This week? Zero times in the gym. I guess I can count a mountain bike ride this morning and 2 loads of hay hauled with my dad. But that's more out of necessity; any physical benefit was purely incidental.
I used to keep myself spiritually fit and tuned. I never used to let a Sunday morning go by without getting up early and getting out into nature to see God's creations through my camera's lens. And while I drove around, I'd be so spiritually filled while listening to my favorite Sunday morning music program: Living the Circle of Life. I haven't been out on a legitimate Nature Sunday Morning (the title I gave it) in 2 months. I used to be active in my church. Now, while that has changed for more philosophical reasons, I could always find some positives about being active in a church. Now, I'm pretty conflicted about it; having a hard time seeing past the bad and to the good. And I can feel my spiritual side fading and withering. This is actually more scary to me than not going to the gym regularly. I mean, this is my spirit; this is ME I'm talking about losing. And yet, this blog post might be the first sign of any want of change.
I took the 2nd Summer block away from school because I felt like I would have a nervous breakdown if I didn't. And I don't regret that decision. I believe I most certainly would have cracked otherwise. But now, Fall Semester is looming and I've not applied for my financial aid and I've not registered for classes, and I've not bought any books. (I always have my fallback plan, which is just show up to the classes I want and I'll probably get in via an add card.) Now, while this works, it's ALWAYS a huge pain in the ass. And yet, I do this same routine nearly every semester. Do any of you have some 'gung ho' you'd like to sell me?
Having decided to dump all of this, finally, in the open, I wonder if I'm actually cut out for some of my supposed ambitions. Mainly, I wonder if I'm actually fit to be the director of the support group I started this past January. I mean, these poor, broken-hearted individuals count on me to be the strong one; to lead us all through our grieving processes. And I want to; I do. I want to be the guy who can get that done and who can keep it up, more importantly. This past month, I've gotten so many emails from new people who want to attend support group because they've recently lost someone. My heart aches for them and, just as much, my heart longs to find a solution to stopping suicides from happening. One thing at a time, Wade. One thing at a time. I love the group I run and the other group I sometimes attend. They're extremely helpful, to say the least. But, reality is still reality, and sometimes my reality seems like too much. I was just thinking today about all of the death I've been around this past year and it's super depressing. A month ago, a friend of mine was stabbed to death here in my town. Complete shocker. Yesterday, a former high school classmate was killed; hit by a train while trying to free his ATV from the train tracks. Another former classmate pass a year or so ago by accidental overdose. And another by heart attack. (At 35 years old, no less!!) While none of these deaths are significant in comparison to losing my sweet mom, this overwhelming number of deaths is wearing on me. It needs to stop!
I miss my mom so terribly sometimes. And that's good. It actually makes me feel good about myself that I can miss my mom. I love my mom and I know she loves me. It would be amazing if she could enter my dreams on a semi-regular basis. So far, just once. And that was a real gift. And I'm grateful.
There, have I depressed anyone else yet? Ha. Not trying to, but thanks for letting me dump my emotional crap over you all.
There certainly are positives in my life, and these are the things I fight on for. I'm getting closer to graduating with my BS degree in Biology and then on to P.A. school (I hope.) I do enjoy learning and I am excited to have a profession in healthcare; I'm passionate about medicine and more so about people. I have a beautiful wife who works so hard so that we can live and I can study full time. And we make a great team. We're not perfect, but we're perfectly committed to each other and that's what counts. We have a 3 year old son and he is truly my life. He is my motivation when all else fails. I want to give that kid everything in the world. I have my dad and he is so great. He really is an inspiration to me and I find him taking care of us, more than we probably deserve. I am surrounded by people who love me; the kind of people who I say are the best kind of people in the world. These are my friends and extended family. Even those with whom I'm not especially close. If you're a blogger friend or a facebook friend or a school friend or a work friend or whatever, I love you and am so grateful to have all of you in my life.
Anyway, I hope I didn't bore too many of you with this post, or send any of you into the same funk in which I often find myself. Thanks for reading. Life will go on and I will try my best to make it go on beautifully.
ABOUT THE PHOTO: Well I did get out and enjoy nature this past Monday. I had been driving home from a family reunion and started to get really drowsy, so I decided to pull off the road and take a short hike to wake back up. The short hike turned into a 3 hr hike, on which I found a great little bonus; a 6pt. elk antler. The hike was beautiful.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
The stigmas on mental illness and suicide
People often say things like "suicide is never the answer," or "suicide is such a selfish act." Most people have the luxury of not really knowing what they're talking about. And I hope they never have to know what I know. But one thing I would really like to change about suicide is the way we talk--or don't talk--about it.
As a society, we're in a much better place today than we were 50 years ago or even 20 years ago, as it pertains to suicide and the most often related mental illness. Less and less do I hear the word "shrink" in reference to counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists. More research is being performed and published. There is more talk; more credence given to mental illness. More schools have counselors, more businesses and corporations employ counselors and therapists to be available to their employees. We're moving toward a better place, certainly, but there is much more progress to be made.
Mental illness can be as chronic as lymph cancer. It can also be as acute as a cold or the flu, and last only weeks or days. It is an illness, to be sure. But for many, the term "mentally ill" only conjures up images of an insane asylum and people adorned in straight-jackets. But as many times as I've sat in a waiting room, waiting to see a therapist for one thing or another, and wandering my eyes around the place, I've yet to see anyone who fits those archaic stereotypes.
And what about suicide? What images does one see when he or she thinks of that punch-you-in-the-stomach, powerful word? What do you feel inside when you think of the idea of suicide? Death, in and of itself, is an uncomfortable topic for many people. And chances are, due to their discomfort with such an idea, most people haven't ever gotten much past a glancing thought about suicide. And I don't blame them.
In a way, I'm lucky. I'm only 36 and there have now been maybe 5 chapters of my life during which I've regularly met with a therapist or counselor. So when my mom took her own life last summer, I immediately knew where to find help. And more important, I knew I'd need it. I am very pro therapy. I often find myself talking to a friend, or even a stranger, and advocating therapy. For me there is no stigma; there is no shame in 'checking your head.' In fact, I fully believe that my mental health habits are evidence that I am stronger than those who attempt to ignore mental traumas, great or small. I'm not trying to brag, mind you; it's just how I see it.
For a few people, once parts of my life, I wish they had seen mental health as I see it now. And so, I'll go on, advocating for mental check-ups, as I believe they are just as important, or more so, as the routine physicals we get for all kinds of reasons or no reason at all.
As for suicide, I would never suggest that it's the answer. I would never let someone I know toy with that idea for any amount of time. Knowing too well the confused messes and the broken hearts suicide leaves in its path, I am going to try and cause change in our society; I'm going to try and remove the stigmas associated with mental illness; I'm going to be an advocate for helping ourselves to the helps that are needed and are increasingly more available today than they were only decades ago.
Who am I? Well...no one, really. Yet. I'm a senior biology student with aspirations of P.A. school, one day to be a physician assistant. I'm a survivor of my mother's suicide. I'm the founder and director of Breathe: Suicide Survivor's Support Group at Utah Valley University. I want to be the change I want to see in the world. I want to be a fire underneath the ass of the health care system; an advocate to pay much, MUCH closer attention to mental health. I'm the guy who thinks we're not just bodies; we're also minds and souls.
I want to share a list of quotes I found about suicide, just to shine light on some different ways to see it:
We can consciously end our life almost anytime we choose. This ability is an endowment, like laughing and blushing, given to no other animal... in any given moment, by not exercising the option of suicide, we are choosing to live.
Peter McWilliams
For many centuries, suicides were treated like criminals by the society. That is part of the terrible legacy that has come down into society's method of handling suicide recovery. Now we have to fight off the demons that have been hanging around suicide for centuries.
Judy Collins
I don't think Jimi committed suicide in the conventional way. He just decided to exit when he wanted to.
Eric Burdon
As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident.
Peter Greene
As a society, we're in a much better place today than we were 50 years ago or even 20 years ago, as it pertains to suicide and the most often related mental illness. Less and less do I hear the word "shrink" in reference to counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists. More research is being performed and published. There is more talk; more credence given to mental illness. More schools have counselors, more businesses and corporations employ counselors and therapists to be available to their employees. We're moving toward a better place, certainly, but there is much more progress to be made.
Mental illness can be as chronic as lymph cancer. It can also be as acute as a cold or the flu, and last only weeks or days. It is an illness, to be sure. But for many, the term "mentally ill" only conjures up images of an insane asylum and people adorned in straight-jackets. But as many times as I've sat in a waiting room, waiting to see a therapist for one thing or another, and wandering my eyes around the place, I've yet to see anyone who fits those archaic stereotypes.
And what about suicide? What images does one see when he or she thinks of that punch-you-in-the-stomach, powerful word? What do you feel inside when you think of the idea of suicide? Death, in and of itself, is an uncomfortable topic for many people. And chances are, due to their discomfort with such an idea, most people haven't ever gotten much past a glancing thought about suicide. And I don't blame them.
In a way, I'm lucky. I'm only 36 and there have now been maybe 5 chapters of my life during which I've regularly met with a therapist or counselor. So when my mom took her own life last summer, I immediately knew where to find help. And more important, I knew I'd need it. I am very pro therapy. I often find myself talking to a friend, or even a stranger, and advocating therapy. For me there is no stigma; there is no shame in 'checking your head.' In fact, I fully believe that my mental health habits are evidence that I am stronger than those who attempt to ignore mental traumas, great or small. I'm not trying to brag, mind you; it's just how I see it.
For a few people, once parts of my life, I wish they had seen mental health as I see it now. And so, I'll go on, advocating for mental check-ups, as I believe they are just as important, or more so, as the routine physicals we get for all kinds of reasons or no reason at all.
As for suicide, I would never suggest that it's the answer. I would never let someone I know toy with that idea for any amount of time. Knowing too well the confused messes and the broken hearts suicide leaves in its path, I am going to try and cause change in our society; I'm going to try and remove the stigmas associated with mental illness; I'm going to be an advocate for helping ourselves to the helps that are needed and are increasingly more available today than they were only decades ago.
Who am I? Well...no one, really. Yet. I'm a senior biology student with aspirations of P.A. school, one day to be a physician assistant. I'm a survivor of my mother's suicide. I'm the founder and director of Breathe: Suicide Survivor's Support Group at Utah Valley University. I want to be the change I want to see in the world. I want to be a fire underneath the ass of the health care system; an advocate to pay much, MUCH closer attention to mental health. I'm the guy who thinks we're not just bodies; we're also minds and souls.
I want to share a list of quotes I found about suicide, just to shine light on some different ways to see it:
Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice,
but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because
they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live.
Charles Caleb Colton
Charles Caleb Colton
That's the thing about suicide. Try as you
might to remember how a person lived his life, you always end up thinking about
how he ended it.
Anderson Cooper
Anderson Cooper
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I
quit."
Bill Maher
Bill Maher
There is no refuge from confession but suicide; and suicide is
confession.
Daniel Webster
Daniel Webster
We can consciously end our life almost anytime we choose. This ability is an endowment, like laughing and blushing, given to no other animal... in any given moment, by not exercising the option of suicide, we are choosing to live.
Peter McWilliams
For many centuries, suicides were treated like criminals by the society. That is part of the terrible legacy that has come down into society's method of handling suicide recovery. Now we have to fight off the demons that have been hanging around suicide for centuries.
Judy Collins
I don't think Jimi committed suicide in the conventional way. He just decided to exit when he wanted to.
Eric Burdon
As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident.
Peter Greene
Monday, March 5, 2012
Devastating.....or AWESOME?
I'm inclined to believe that knowledge is power, and that "abstinence only" programs aren't working. (See Utah's chlamydia rates among younger people.) But I'm the father of only one child--a three year old--who obviously isn't ready for "the talk." But I would like to hear your opinions on this issue, especially if you are experienced parents. Should we support abstinence only programs, or even no programs at all, when it comes to sex ed in public schools?
"Of sex education in Utah, Rep. Bill Wright,
R-Holden, recently said: “Why don’t we just be honest with them up front
that sex outside marriage is devastating?”
Well, if we’re going to be totally up front,
Bill, we’ll have to tell kids that sex outside marriage is also
sometimes awesome. If I were a teacher, and had to “just be honest,” I
would have to tell kids that sex outside marriage — for me — has been
fun, moving, steamy, spiritual and completely disease-free (also
child-free!). I’d also have to tell kids that sometimes it’s been
boring, a blow to my ego and less good than masturbating.
I’m flummoxed by Wright’s sense of “honest”
and “up front.” Clearly, his understanding of those words doesn’t
include the experiences of his constituents. Sex inside of marriage can
also be devastating. It depends how you’re doing it. A few married
people I know are currently devastated by their sex lives, and a few are
overwhelmed by the results of sex without a condom.
Sex with multiple partners can be dangerous,
yes. Herpes? Never awesome. Or so I hear. I never got it, which I owe,
in part, to my eighth-grade sex education class."
Matthew Ivan Bennett
Midvale
Monday, February 13, 2012
God gave us stuff to kill?
So I was getting the mail this afternoon, at my dad's house, and saw one of his hunting magazines, Eastman's Hunting Journal. Whenever I see these magazines, I do something that can be described as something between an eye roll and a cringe. I was just never wired to be able to glorify killing things for fun or "for sport."
Not long ago, I found my childhood journal. I hadn't written in it much, but I decided to go through it, just to reminisce. (I think I found it when my mom died, and I wanted to see if there was anything about her I could use for my funeral talk.) I found an envelope in there that contained 3 letters I got way back when I was just thirteen years old. One letter was from my mom, one from my dad, and one from myself. They were written for me to take along and open while I was on a spiritual wilderness outing with other youth from my church. The plan was to fast for the first day and then go out in the trees, by ourselves, and pray and try to commune with God. And at that time, we were to open the letters and read them. To keep this short, I'll just say that my letter to myself was to remind myself of some things I wanted to ask God. It surprised me, pleasantly I guess, that at 13, I had the consciousness to ask God if hunting was wrong. I suppose I was nervous, knowing I'd be old enough to hunt deer and elk with my dad the following year at age 14. (So YOUNG to be out there carrying and shooting a high-powered rifle, especially with so many other hunters in the same mountains.)
Well, I guess it took me about 4 more years to fully understand God's answer to my question. I hunted and killed a tiny little 2-point mule deer my first year, age 14. I remember feeling the adrenaline while aiming and pulling the trigger; then again while walking up on my kill. I was feeling happy, knowing I had made my dad proud of my shooting ability (Open sights, no scope, from 150 yds). At the same time, there was this unavoidable feeling of doubt, staring at this animal whose life I'd taken. But what was done was done. I hunted after that, but didn't kill again until I was 17. My dad had gotten me a permit to shoot a pronghorn in Southern Utah. We drove down really early in the morning. I was driving my own car so I could head home in time to work later that day. On the way down, still dark out, I hit a deer with my car. I radioed my dad to tell him the bad news. He came back to put the deer out of its misery. (I guess I couldn't?) We mashed the folded hood down so I could see and kept on south. We hadn't been down there long, (Parker Mountain, I believe) when we saw some pronghorn. I got out with my rifle, sneaked along the ground and got a shot off. I can't remember for sure but, I think I hid it in the guts on the first shot, so I shot again to kill it. When I walked up on it, I wasn't really excited, other than my curiosity of what a pronghorn looks like up close being satisfied. I began to gut it out, which I really didn't know how to do, but my dad wanted me to learn that way. I accidentally cut into its bladder (a bad mistake) and the stench was awful. Pronghorn aren't that tasty; most people don't even eat the meat; at least not much of it. Finally, standing there, looking down at this beautiful animal, something changed inside of me for good. I didn't understand it all right then but, a while later, realized I was not a sport hunter. And as far as I understand my god, I can only believe that hunting, for ANY reason other than to feed yourself and others, is wrong. I haven't completely sworn hunting off; I've considered harvesting an elk because I really like the meat and it's better for us than feed-lot cattle. But I will NEVER hunt an animal because I want to see its head on my wall, its rug on my floor, or my picture with it in a magazine.
Now, back to the magazine I found in the mail today. I didn't open it; I know what it says inside; I've heard it all and read it all before, being an advocate for wolves. A big headline on the cover read: "Hunting God's Country for Wolves." To me, this is one of the most ironic phrases I can think of. This headline assumes that the writer and the reader believe in God. And for sure, they're speaking of the Judeo-Christian God, Eloheim, Heavenly Father, Jesus the Christ, etc...And I can't wrap my mind around the concept of believing in God, believing you're toting a gun around God's country, and somehow, God is eh-OK with you killing wolves (God's creation) for sport and fun.
I know that I don't know everything, or even very much. But I know irony when I read it.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
What do you know about being Mormon?
Hey Everyone:I decided
to make a non-scientific survey about the Mormon faith. I'm curious
about what Mormons and non-Mormons think or believe about the following
questions. Please feel free to answer in a comment or to email me with
your answers if you'd rather your answers be private.(You'll notice I'm
not looking for yes or no answers, because I actually want a personally
thought out, personal answer.)
1. Are you a member of the Mormon Church?
2. If you are a member, do you consider yourself to be "active?"
3. If you are NOT a Mormon, do you at least know someone who is a member of the Mormon Church?
4. What is your understanding about what Mormons believe about who God is? (Trinity believe or not? God is a man/woman/spiritual being/other?)
5. What is your understanding about what Mormons believe about Joseph Smith's role?
6. Do you follow the Mormon "Word of Wisdom" commandment? What exactly does it mean to follow it or not to follow it?
7. What do Mormons believe about Jesus? What was/is his role?
8. Do Mormons believe in modern-day prophecy? What does this mean?
9. Have you ever disagreed with a Mormon prophet? If so, on what matter? And if so, do you believe this affects your salvation or your future in an after-life?
10. Arrange the following 'sins' in order; least to worst: a. murder
b. smoking
c. stealing
d. adultery
e. lying
f. drinking
OR, do you believe sin is sin?
11. Where do Mormons draw the line? What will keep one out of Heaven?
12. What is required, in the Mormon church, to get into Heaven?
13. Did you, or do you plan to serve as a Mormon missionary?
14. What is the role of Mormon temples?
15. What does it mean to you to be a "good Mormon?" Using some of the above topics for question, talk about them in the context of being a "good Mormon?"
16. Do Mormons believe in marriage at a specific age?
17. How big or small are Mormon families?
18. Are Mormons Republican or Democrat? Should they be one more than or, instead of, the other?
19. Does your faith influence your politics? Is it possible to keep the two separate?
20. What is the role of the Bible? The Book of Mormon? The Doctrine and Covenants or Pearl of Great Price?
21. What is the best Mormon-based book you've read, NOT including canonized scripture?
22. If you're Mormon, is your family Mormon? Your extended family?
23. When did you become Mormon?
24. What would you say are the top two or three benefits or blessings you enjoy through being Mormon?
25. From the following choices, would any of the following keep you from being friends:
a. a person who smokes?
b. a person who drinks?
c. a person who has premarital sexual relations?
d. a person who swears or uses profanity?
e. a person who watches R-rated movies?
f. a person who is politically opposite you?
g. a person who is gay/lesbian/transgender?
26. Would any of the choices from question 25 keep a Mormon from being a 'good Mormon?'
27. If you are Mormon, what do you think of someone who votes pro-choice? Of a person who votes pro-life?
28. Are you more or less inclined, or neither, to trust a Mormon?
29. In no more than a couple of sentences, describe people of the Mormon faith as you best understand?
30. If you are not a Mormon, would you ever consider becoming one? Why or why not?
Additional questions revision:
31. Are Mormons racist or prejudice? If you say yes, do you believe this is born out of what is taught in church, or do you believe it's just personal choice?
32. Do you find any of the doctrines of Mormonism to be strange/weird/occult/not Christ-like? Please explain your answer.
33. What is the difference between faith and knowledge, and how do you apply that to your own religion, or to your relationship with God?
34. In your own words, from your own experience, who/what is God?
35. If you were to give any advice to a Mormon about their religion, what would it be? (Keep it to one or two sentences. And go ahead and answer whether or not you are Mormon.)
Thanks Everyone for taking this survey. If you'd like, you can just cut and paste the questions with your answers and private message it to me. You can also send it to my email, if you'd rather at iamtherascal1@gmail.com.
1. Are you a member of the Mormon Church?
2. If you are a member, do you consider yourself to be "active?"
3. If you are NOT a Mormon, do you at least know someone who is a member of the Mormon Church?
4. What is your understanding about what Mormons believe about who God is? (Trinity believe or not? God is a man/woman/spiritual being/other?)
5. What is your understanding about what Mormons believe about Joseph Smith's role?
6. Do you follow the Mormon "Word of Wisdom" commandment? What exactly does it mean to follow it or not to follow it?
7. What do Mormons believe about Jesus? What was/is his role?
8. Do Mormons believe in modern-day prophecy? What does this mean?
9. Have you ever disagreed with a Mormon prophet? If so, on what matter? And if so, do you believe this affects your salvation or your future in an after-life?
10. Arrange the following 'sins' in order; least to worst: a. murder
b. smoking
c. stealing
d. adultery
e. lying
f. drinking
OR, do you believe sin is sin?
11. Where do Mormons draw the line? What will keep one out of Heaven?
12. What is required, in the Mormon church, to get into Heaven?
13. Did you, or do you plan to serve as a Mormon missionary?
14. What is the role of Mormon temples?
15. What does it mean to you to be a "good Mormon?" Using some of the above topics for question, talk about them in the context of being a "good Mormon?"
16. Do Mormons believe in marriage at a specific age?
17. How big or small are Mormon families?
18. Are Mormons Republican or Democrat? Should they be one more than or, instead of, the other?
19. Does your faith influence your politics? Is it possible to keep the two separate?
20. What is the role of the Bible? The Book of Mormon? The Doctrine and Covenants or Pearl of Great Price?
21. What is the best Mormon-based book you've read, NOT including canonized scripture?
22. If you're Mormon, is your family Mormon? Your extended family?
23. When did you become Mormon?
24. What would you say are the top two or three benefits or blessings you enjoy through being Mormon?
25. From the following choices, would any of the following keep you from being friends:
a. a person who smokes?
b. a person who drinks?
c. a person who has premarital sexual relations?
d. a person who swears or uses profanity?
e. a person who watches R-rated movies?
f. a person who is politically opposite you?
g. a person who is gay/lesbian/transgender?
26. Would any of the choices from question 25 keep a Mormon from being a 'good Mormon?'
27. If you are Mormon, what do you think of someone who votes pro-choice? Of a person who votes pro-life?
28. Are you more or less inclined, or neither, to trust a Mormon?
29. In no more than a couple of sentences, describe people of the Mormon faith as you best understand?
30. If you are not a Mormon, would you ever consider becoming one? Why or why not?
Additional questions revision:
31. Are Mormons racist or prejudice? If you say yes, do you believe this is born out of what is taught in church, or do you believe it's just personal choice?
32. Do you find any of the doctrines of Mormonism to be strange/weird/occult/not Christ-like? Please explain your answer.
33. What is the difference between faith and knowledge, and how do you apply that to your own religion, or to your relationship with God?
34. In your own words, from your own experience, who/what is God?
35. If you were to give any advice to a Mormon about their religion, what would it be? (Keep it to one or two sentences. And go ahead and answer whether or not you are Mormon.)
Thanks Everyone for taking this survey. If you'd like, you can just cut and paste the questions with your answers and private message it to me. You can also send it to my email, if you'd rather at iamtherascal1@gmail.com.
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